2017 Housesitting and tired.

I’m a  bit buzzed. Gin, with fresh cucumber, and mint, a greedy bit of ginger ale poured on top. I just rinsed out my glass. I change into my pajamas and I sit in the house I spent the eventful and formative years between 8 years old and 18. 

I’m watching Closer and I hate it. I’m watching Closer and thinking about my past relationships. I’m thinking about if you truly love a person, like really actually care about the little and large things, or if maybe you just find someone who fits beside you in the moment. 

I’m never lonely. I’m too selfish to be. 

I’m wondering what it takes to spend time with someone. To truly spend time with them, to be honest, open, and good. The good. The horrible. The strength, the weakness. Two sides of two coins, facing each other at any given moment.

Closer. It’s the fight scene, the married couple talks about the sex between husband and wife, different from wife and her lover. 

My stomach rolls. I’ve never liked Jude Law. I’ve never liked Julia Roberts. I’ve never known them. I just don’t like how their hands move, how their mouths try to act for them. I don't like this movie at all, but I’ve watched it several times now. I’m 27, the movie is 13. 

I can’t remember the last time I felt whole in my body with another, willing to give it all to another. It’s been months and months, more than a year. 

I don’t recognize myself in relationships, or who i was in my past relationships. I’m unlike most of my female friends. Mostly serial monogamists. The longest relationships I have are my places of strength. 

I’d suppose that I am at my most when I’m single, I’m shiny. That’s when I attract a bit of attention that seems empty to me. Staged, Rehearsed. When was the last time I felt like someone told me the truth? Maybe it was the last time I wanted to heart the truth. 

I’m tired. I…

Unfinished 2017