stand clear of the closing doors

I am in love, and I buried my best friend’s… I think we’re still best friends, our contact has dwindled over the last 12 months -Admittedly he’s been living in Dubai, Italy and India, and I haven’t seen him since July of last year. Okay focus, I said I would watch his two cats, and on the 8th day out of 30 - I thought it would be 7, Molly was actively dying on the basement floor when I walked in on Monday. I buried her on Tuesday and wept graveside that afternoon. Thursday I drove up to the mountains with my lover/my guy, and Saturday morning I got my period in the state park women's bathroom. I spoke with the women there about menopause, briefly and carried my blood-stained underwear back to our campsite.

I am in love, and for the life of me I hate the layout of my apartment. I want to throw everything out into the yard and start again. My back protests. My informally diagnosed ADHD can’t stop thinking about selling everything I own, and starting new with a handful of things.

I am in love, and my body feels familiar and foreign. The intimacy makes me forget about my body, and instead thinks of closeness, stars behind my eyelids, and weak knees

I am in love, and I am wrestling with a lifetime where I was the only one who met my needs.

I am in love and I messed up the spacing of my garden beds, and can’t stop buying vegetable plants and seeds. And just a couple -12- more bags of mulch, and the paths between my gardens will breakdown and be a healthy ecosystem. I eat dirty radish sprouts and try not to nibble on my fingertips. My nails are all shredded and broken, I refuse to use gloves.

I am in love with myself, and in love with a man. He loves me. Daily texts and calls, endearments, secrets, confessions, long hugs after long days. Deep romantic kisses in the garden when both our hands are covered in dirty.

I am in love with myself as I struggle with the softness of my body, and the full and emptiness of life.

I am in love, and my kitchen is too small for two people.

I am in love, and I have 5 pets, plus his 1 sometimes 2 dogs. Full beds, tangled limbs, dog hair, cat nuzzles. Wimpers and barks.

I am in love and I want new music to hyper fixate on.

I am in love and I am struggling on how to spend time with him, and with my other friends, when my own company is so sweet. I don’t know how to make more of myself to spread around.

I am in love, and …

I am in love, and I lost my train of thought. Or it went off the rails….